Like Everyone Else

I want to be like everyone else
So no one will point and stare
To walk down the street not attracting attention
No notice, no mention, no hint of despair
A normal reaction
A standard response
The same as everyone wants

--Side Show

I never wanted to actually BE like everyone else, I just wanted to LOOK like everyone else. Good things come to those who are skinny, right? Over the weekend, I learned that life for someone who is skinny is not all the media and society make it out to be. 

On Saturday, my friends and I celebrated the wedding of one of our former coworkers. We had a fabulous time drinking, eating, and dancing. Every once in while I would step outside with one of my friends while they smoked a cigarette. My one friend, J, and I were chatting about how we don't really talk to too many people from our high school. While I enjoyed my time with the friends I had, a lot of people outside of my social circle were cruel. During high school I was a devout Christian. On Wednesday mornings, we had a Bible study at school. Many times, as students were coming in to school, we were leaving the room where our study was held, most of us toting our Bibles. I was labeled a "goody goody" and on top of it an overweight one. J, on the other hand, was labeled a goth with an eating disorder. She was, and still is, very skinny. Just as I was, and still am, overweight. We somehow found that our situations in school were similar. We were both ridiculed for our weight. I did my best to NOT stick out in high school, but I was still seen. I just wanted to blend into the crowd. I did not want to be noticed for my appearance. 

This still rings true to how I feel today, most of the time. I want to be noticed now, but not because of my appearance. I want to be noticed because I have a big smile on my face or because I am laughing uncontrollably. I want people to notice that I can be happy wearing a size 18 because I feel good about WHO I AM. I want a normal reaction....the same as everyone wants...whether skinny or overweight.

I Am What I Am

"And what I am needs no excuses.
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces.
There's one life, and there's no return and no deposit;
One life, so it's time to open up your closet.
Life's not worth a damn 'til you can say,
"Hey world, I am what I am!"

--La Cage Aux Folles

People have always made comments about staying true to who you are. I never really understood that until recently. As a matter of a fact, until recently, I was not even sure what being "who you are" entailed. Most people take it as being yourself, showing your true colors, not putting up a front and while I agree with those definitions, it feels as if there is more to being yourself. In order to TRULY be yourself, you have to accept yourself. You have to acknowledge the flaws, whether big or small, and accept that they are part of who you are. In doing so, it makes it easier to change them.

I have always felt that my biggest flaw was my weight. Not only the physical weight, but the weight of a poor self esteem, lack of self confidence, and criticism. The more I wanted to change my weight, the more I failed, and the more I disliked myself. Then I learned about this new wave of feminism. Women were starting to go up against media and the unrealistic ideal they have set in regards to how a woman "should" look. I started reading books and essays by women who told the media FUCK YOU! I was inspired and renewed. I stopped loathing my body even though it was extra large. I started to find things about myself that I was proud of, things I loved about myself. I stopped, ultimately, apologizing to society for being overweight. I chose to be true to myself. I chose to say, "I am who I am". In doing so, I became mentally healthy for the first time in a long time, but I was rapidly gaining more weight and my physical health was at risk.

In Decemeber 2010, I reached my highest weight ever. I was set to go on vacation just a month later. We were going on a cruise and then spending a few days at Universal Studios. On my cruise I wanted to zip line, but I exceeded the max weight. My family had the chance to experience it, but I was left out because of my weight. I actually started watching what I was eating while I was still on vacation. I was so aware of my body that it was embarrassing.  It was also embarrassing to go to Universal Studios and be told that I might not fit into the "plus size" seat of the rides. I cried, in public, because this body was keeping me from having fun. I was fortunate enough that my family was willing to give it go to see if I could get on the ride. They said if I could not get on, we would all get off so that no one would know why we left the ride. Thankfully, the attendant was able to get me into the seat. I had fun, but it was uncomfortable being shoved into ride seats like a sausage. At the end of vacation I had a very important choice to make.

I had the choice to continue gaining weight so that society and media did not dictate what I should look like or realize that being overweight keeps me from fully enjoying life with my family and friends. I chose to enjoy life. This journey I am on has been full of bumps and bruises, ups and downs, gains and losses, but I have not wavered from the goal of getting rid of this excess weight. I know I can do it, but it is going to take lots of work....lots of physical, emotional, and mental work. I am here to share my journey and all that it entails...the good, the bad, and the ugly. I promise an honest account of what I am going through, in hopes that just one person will not be alone. Even if it takes me years to get rid of this weight, you can't stop my beat!